I've had this in my drafts for two months. So I thought I'd finish it and post it. I was going to wait until Pride Month 2019, but I am an impatient person.
I know the title is very grabbing, but my coming out story is not THAT interesting. At least I don't think so.
I've always known I was queer since elementary school. In second grade, I had crushes on other girls. And that caused a lot of gender identity confusion for myself because I was raised in a very religious household. My parents are "Born Again" Christians. You got your Baptist Christians and you're Catholic Christians. My parents are Born Again. Don't ask me. I left the church when I turned 18.
I don't blame my parents for anything because now as an adult, I know they were just doing what they thought was right. I always had a shaky relationship with my mom because of her religious beliefs, but now I know she did what she did because she thought it was right and what was best for me. I can't fault her for that.
I was in denial for most of my adolescence. I was dealing with really bad internalized homophobia when I was in middle school. And then in high school, I became an ally and my family would joke about me being gay and I would always deny it.
But I knew deep down in my soul I was queer because I had always crushed on Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls.
Honestly, what made me want to come out was during my Senior year of high school, I had a HUGE crush on Jennifer Lopez. I mean, the crush was always there but I became obsessed in my Senior year. I also fell in love with Todrick Hall that year and he is my biggest inspiration of why I decided to come out.
I first came out on Instagram. I took a screenshot of the title of Joey Graceffa's video "YES I'M GAY" and posted it. I don't remember what my caption said, but that was the first time I really embraced and admitted that I am queer. At the time, none of my family followed me, so none of them saw it.
Then I came out to my grandmother. Some background about my grandmother: She is an ordained pastor. However, that didn't scare me away. She wasn't like my mom. My grandmother is one of the most accepting people in my family. Yes, she is a Christian Pastor, but she hasn't made me feel unwanted, especially since I came out to her. If anything we got closer.
I came out to her, I handed her my phone showing her the screenshot of "YES I'M GAY". We were eating at Sonic and she just looked at me. We had my younger cousin with us, so we didn't really talk about it, but I think she said "okay". I don't really remember much because I have to worst memory, but I know that it turned out okay and that's why I wanted to come out to my parents.
This is what I consider my TRUE coming out story. It was my senior year and in my AP Lit class, we were asked to write speeches for graduation and the best speech would be the class speaker. My high school was weird. I knew I wasn't going to be a class speaker, so I figured why not come out in my speech. I had to read it to the class anyway, and most people knew.
I found the speech and you can read it here. It was on Google Docs, so if you can't read it and would like to, let me know and I'll find a way to send it to you.
I asked my parents if I could read my speech to them and get their opinions. The part of the speech I came out reads:
I think I said something like I'm sexually attracted to men and only romantically attracted to women. Boy, is that so wrong. It's actually the complete opposite. But I said that to soften the blow. I remember crying.
I strategically planned my coming out for right before I went away for college, that way if things went south, I could escape. I did this because a few weeks before I came out to my parents my dad jokingly said, "you know, even if you're gay, I'd still love you". and I brushed it off and denied being queer and then my mom said "I'd still love you, but I'd look at you differently and that hurt. A lot.
My mom and I have never seen eye to eye and this put a bit of strain on our relationship. More than normal. But she's gotten a lot better with accepting me. Not fully, yet, but we're getting there slowly. Especially since I'm back living at home now.
I came out to my parents again a few months ago because I had a breakdown. I'll be open about it on my blog because I'm not ashamed. It happens. I had a breakdown and my parents were so worried about me, which is understandable because that was the worst and lowest, I've ever been.
We spoke about what was going through my mind and I am still strongly dealing with internalized homophobia. And I have been very vocal about not wanting to ever get married. Even if I find "the one". I just don't want to get married and I'll explain why later in the post. But during this talk I said, I can see myself marrying a woman. And that is the first time I was REALLY honest about my sexuality with my parents.
Why I have the mindset of never wanting to get married was because of something kind of dumb, but not really. My dad was one of my heroes and my favorite person in the whole world. One day we were at Sonic - for some reason Sonic and my sexuality are very linked I have many stories relating the two.
At Sonic, I was complaining about President Trump, as a Spanish queer female usually would, and my dad goes OUT OF NOWHERE, "you know if you marry a woman, I'm not going to your wedding. That was a dagger right into my heart. If I fall in love with a woman and want to marry her, I can't have my dad walk me down the aisle. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just said okay, and went back to complaining about Trump.
But that was the moment where something in my brain clicked and I decided I never want to get married.
Fortunately, since then, my dad has rescinded his comment and changed his mind. Thanks to an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Thank you, Shonda Rhimes. He cornered me by the water cooler in out kitchen - yes we have a water cooler in our house, don't ask - and he said something like "I was watching Grey's Anatomy and seeing Callie when her parents wouldn't come to her wedding when she married a woman made me cry because I thought of you. And I do want to go to your wedding even if you marry a woman". Those were not his exact words, but similar. It gave me hope that I won't lose my family if I have a same-sex relationship.
It's still one of my biggest fears and why at the moment, I have sworn off dating. I would like to date and maybe fall in love, but my family means so much to me and I don't want to lose them.
Things have been getting significantly better. My mom has actually connected me with an LGBT+ community center in my state because I don't socialize and she thinks I need friends. I do need friends. But even though she is encouraging me to go to this community center, she still made it very clear that she is not encouraging me to date or have sexual relations with anyone. She doesn't want me to burn in hell.
I have two brothers and a sister in law. I don't think I ever really came out to them in a special way. I think one day I just was like "hey I'm queer" and they were like "we knew, but okay". They've been super supportive and accepting of me.
My little brother has also stuck up for me against my mom several times.
I try not to label myself. I use queer because it's an umbrella term and doesn't put me in a box because my sexuality and my gender are fluid. But if I do have to use a more specific label, I do use pansexual, because I think it covers all the bases. I am just a human being who is attracted to other human beings. And this is a big reason why Brendon Urie's coming out as pansexual meant so much to me.
So that's pretty much it. Hope you enjoyed hearing about my coming out story and the struggles.
If you're not out, yet, please don't feel pressure to come out. Come out when you're ready. I know it's scary. And please be safe. If you feel your parents will lash out, be careful. Stay safe. Live your truth. Love yourself. I know it's hard. I still struggle with that, but it's important.
I know the title is very grabbing, but my coming out story is not THAT interesting. At least I don't think so.
I've always known I was queer since elementary school. In second grade, I had crushes on other girls. And that caused a lot of gender identity confusion for myself because I was raised in a very religious household. My parents are "Born Again" Christians. You got your Baptist Christians and you're Catholic Christians. My parents are Born Again. Don't ask me. I left the church when I turned 18.
I don't blame my parents for anything because now as an adult, I know they were just doing what they thought was right. I always had a shaky relationship with my mom because of her religious beliefs, but now I know she did what she did because she thought it was right and what was best for me. I can't fault her for that.
I was in denial for most of my adolescence. I was dealing with really bad internalized homophobia when I was in middle school. And then in high school, I became an ally and my family would joke about me being gay and I would always deny it.
But I knew deep down in my soul I was queer because I had always crushed on Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls.
Honestly, what made me want to come out was during my Senior year of high school, I had a HUGE crush on Jennifer Lopez. I mean, the crush was always there but I became obsessed in my Senior year. I also fell in love with Todrick Hall that year and he is my biggest inspiration of why I decided to come out.
I first came out on Instagram. I took a screenshot of the title of Joey Graceffa's video "YES I'M GAY" and posted it. I don't remember what my caption said, but that was the first time I really embraced and admitted that I am queer. At the time, none of my family followed me, so none of them saw it.
Then I came out to my grandmother. Some background about my grandmother: She is an ordained pastor. However, that didn't scare me away. She wasn't like my mom. My grandmother is one of the most accepting people in my family. Yes, she is a Christian Pastor, but she hasn't made me feel unwanted, especially since I came out to her. If anything we got closer.
I came out to her, I handed her my phone showing her the screenshot of "YES I'M GAY". We were eating at Sonic and she just looked at me. We had my younger cousin with us, so we didn't really talk about it, but I think she said "okay". I don't really remember much because I have to worst memory, but I know that it turned out okay and that's why I wanted to come out to my parents.
This is what I consider my TRUE coming out story. It was my senior year and in my AP Lit class, we were asked to write speeches for graduation and the best speech would be the class speaker. My high school was weird. I knew I wasn't going to be a class speaker, so I figured why not come out in my speech. I had to read it to the class anyway, and most people knew.
I found the speech and you can read it here. It was on Google Docs, so if you can't read it and would like to, let me know and I'll find a way to send it to you.
I asked my parents if I could read my speech to them and get their opinions. The part of the speech I came out reads:
...I didn't know who I was, nor who I wanted to be. I only knew who my parents told me I was. What they expected me to be. Female. Straight. A child of God. Non-tolerant of the LGBTQ community. Obediant. Oh, and this one's my favorite: The Golden Child."That was my coming out. I remember looking at my mom after I read that. She made me stop and asked me what does that mean. And I came out. But I tried to bullshit it and I was trying to play the bi-curious card. My mom's biggest concern to this day is gay sinful sex.
I think I said something like I'm sexually attracted to men and only romantically attracted to women. Boy, is that so wrong. It's actually the complete opposite. But I said that to soften the blow. I remember crying.
I strategically planned my coming out for right before I went away for college, that way if things went south, I could escape. I did this because a few weeks before I came out to my parents my dad jokingly said, "you know, even if you're gay, I'd still love you". and I brushed it off and denied being queer and then my mom said "I'd still love you, but I'd look at you differently and that hurt. A lot.
My mom and I have never seen eye to eye and this put a bit of strain on our relationship. More than normal. But she's gotten a lot better with accepting me. Not fully, yet, but we're getting there slowly. Especially since I'm back living at home now.
I came out to my parents again a few months ago because I had a breakdown. I'll be open about it on my blog because I'm not ashamed. It happens. I had a breakdown and my parents were so worried about me, which is understandable because that was the worst and lowest, I've ever been.
We spoke about what was going through my mind and I am still strongly dealing with internalized homophobia. And I have been very vocal about not wanting to ever get married. Even if I find "the one". I just don't want to get married and I'll explain why later in the post. But during this talk I said, I can see myself marrying a woman. And that is the first time I was REALLY honest about my sexuality with my parents.
Why I have the mindset of never wanting to get married was because of something kind of dumb, but not really. My dad was one of my heroes and my favorite person in the whole world. One day we were at Sonic - for some reason Sonic and my sexuality are very linked I have many stories relating the two.
At Sonic, I was complaining about President Trump, as a Spanish queer female usually would, and my dad goes OUT OF NOWHERE, "you know if you marry a woman, I'm not going to your wedding. That was a dagger right into my heart. If I fall in love with a woman and want to marry her, I can't have my dad walk me down the aisle. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just said okay, and went back to complaining about Trump.
But that was the moment where something in my brain clicked and I decided I never want to get married.
Fortunately, since then, my dad has rescinded his comment and changed his mind. Thanks to an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Thank you, Shonda Rhimes. He cornered me by the water cooler in out kitchen - yes we have a water cooler in our house, don't ask - and he said something like "I was watching Grey's Anatomy and seeing Callie when her parents wouldn't come to her wedding when she married a woman made me cry because I thought of you. And I do want to go to your wedding even if you marry a woman". Those were not his exact words, but similar. It gave me hope that I won't lose my family if I have a same-sex relationship.
It's still one of my biggest fears and why at the moment, I have sworn off dating. I would like to date and maybe fall in love, but my family means so much to me and I don't want to lose them.
Things have been getting significantly better. My mom has actually connected me with an LGBT+ community center in my state because I don't socialize and she thinks I need friends. I do need friends. But even though she is encouraging me to go to this community center, she still made it very clear that she is not encouraging me to date or have sexual relations with anyone. She doesn't want me to burn in hell.
I have two brothers and a sister in law. I don't think I ever really came out to them in a special way. I think one day I just was like "hey I'm queer" and they were like "we knew, but okay". They've been super supportive and accepting of me.
My little brother has also stuck up for me against my mom several times.
I try not to label myself. I use queer because it's an umbrella term and doesn't put me in a box because my sexuality and my gender are fluid. But if I do have to use a more specific label, I do use pansexual, because I think it covers all the bases. I am just a human being who is attracted to other human beings. And this is a big reason why Brendon Urie's coming out as pansexual meant so much to me.
So that's pretty much it. Hope you enjoyed hearing about my coming out story and the struggles.
If you're not out, yet, please don't feel pressure to come out. Come out when you're ready. I know it's scary. And please be safe. If you feel your parents will lash out, be careful. Stay safe. Live your truth. Love yourself. I know it's hard. I still struggle with that, but it's important.
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